Enter the great Islamic orgy of the sky – with endless supplies of virgins, wine and little boys, of course.
“Round about them will (serve) Youths of perpetual (freshness), With goblets, (shinning) beakers, And cups (filled) out of Clear-flowing fountains: No after-ache will they Receive therefrom, nor will they Suffer intoxication. (Quran 56:17-19)”
“Round about them will serve, (Devoted) to them, Youths (handsome) as Pearls Well-guarded. They will advance To each other, engaging In mutual enquiry. (Quran, 52:24-25)”
“And round about them Will (serve) youths Of perpetual (freshness): If thou seest them, Thou wouldst think them Scattered Pearls. (Quran, 76:19)”
“We have created (their Companions) Of special creation, And made them Virgin-pure (and undefiled) — Beloved (by nature) Equal in age — For the Companions Of the Right Hand. (The Noble Quran, 56:35-38)”
“And besides them will be Chaste women; restraining Their glances, with big eyes (Of wonder and beauty). As if they were (Delicate) eggs closely guarded. (Quran, 37:48-49)”
“And beside them will be Chaste women restraining Their glances, (companions) Of equal age. Such is the Promise Made to you For the Day of Account! Truly such will be Our Bounty (to you) It will never fail. (Quran, 38:52-54)”
“As to the Righteous (They will be) in A position of Security. Among Gardens and Springs; Dressed in fine silk And in rich brocade, They will face each other; Moreover, We shall Join them to Companions With beautiful, big, And lustrous eyes. There can they call For every kind of fruit In peace and security. Nor will they there Taste Death, except the first Death; and He will preserve Them from the Penalty Of the Blazing Fire. (Quran, 44:51-56)”
“They will recline (with ease) On Thrones (of dignity) Arranged in ranks; And We shall join them To Companions, with beautiful Big and lustrous eyes. And those who believe And whose families follow Them in Faith — to them Shall We join their families: Nor shall We deprive them (Of the fruit) of aught Of their works: (Yet) is each individual In pledge for his deeds. (Quran, 52:20-21)”
“In them will be (Maidens), Chaste, restraining their glances, Whom no man or Jinn Before them has touched. (Quran, 55:56)”
“In them will be Fair (Companions), good, beautiful. (Quran, 55:70)”
“Companions restrained (as to Their glances), in (goodly) pavilions. (Quran, 55:72)”
“And (there will be) Companions With beautiful, big, And lustrous eyes — Like unto Pearls Well-guarded. A Reward for the Deeds Of their past (Life). (Quran, 56:22-24)”
“Gardens enclosed, and Grapevines; Companions of Equal Age; And a Cup full (To the Brim). (Quran, 78:32-34)”
1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he’s gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he’s celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn’t reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he’s bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he’s ugly or smells bad and the virgins don’t want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they’re deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they “born again”?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they’re not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber’s into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond’s home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn’t go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she’s a lesbian, do they “convert” the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine’s Day?
40) If he’s monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn’t like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he’ll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbor’s virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she’s unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks “Does this Burka make me look fat?”
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn’t know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn’t it be interesting if they’re virgins because they’re ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn’t it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say “How was your day?” to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put the bomber together again?
67) Is “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you’re dead?
71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?